Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction & Writing

Trainer Black (FanMade)

(1/1)

UnationConsideration:
                                          Story From Blacks Point Of View.

"Tomorrow, Tomorrow is the big day sis, are you ready?"
"Yea, I can't wait"

"Blllaaaaaaack, Whiiiiiitteeee!!!!!!" 

I felt a slight nudge to the left side of my head and shoulders. "Urhmgagsag, ehhh"
was all I can manage to say. I stayed up all night studying up the starter Pokemon we could choose, so you can imagine how tired I was.

"Wake up you two or we will choose without you!" "Cheren...Belle? The hell?"

I fell to the floor banging my head a bit. "Oh crap- what time is it?"

UnationConsideration:
They didn't answer, both afraid to speak But finally belle broke the silence "12PM" I yelled "I'm two hours late!" That woke up white.
"Whats...*yawn* going on?"
I ignored here as I quickly put on some clothing and took my bag.
"Lets Go!" I ran down the stairs saying bye to mom.

"Hey dear, you forgot..!" Cheren and Belle where right behind me. A few minutes later my sister showed up "Hey waiitt!" I ran in the lab and then soon as I went in there was a large...
                                                     Thud!!

Roko:
Constructive criticism:

- The grammar isn't too great. If you're learning English, I suggest you learn it a little better before trying creative writing. If you're fluent, I suggest you improve grammatically before trying creative writing.

- The story isn't finished and you've double-posted. This is unnecessary. I suggest you use Notepad, Word or any other writing-based programme to write your story and them copy and paste it into one post.

- Different coloured writing, you don't need it. I think what you're trying to do is make Black's writing black and White's writing white to acknowledge who is speaking. This is unnecessary.
This is what you should do:


I yelled, "I'm two hours late!", that woke White up.
"What's..." she yawned, "...what's going on?"
I ignored her, quickly got dressed and grabbed my bag.
"Let's go!" I said confidently to myself. I ran downstairs to say goodbye to Mom.



I hope these points have helped you. I think of myself as somewhat of a writer and I'm sure you'll improve greatly in your next piece of work.

Navigation

[0] Message Index