Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction & Writing

Shadow Games

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DayStar:
This a beginning to a rpg that I may decide to create;


Okay so i've edited it slightly, what do you think?

DarK_SouL:
it sounds pretty interesting i think.

Dracoules:
I think it's really interesting but it's vocabulary needs spiced up a great deal.
I mean you don't want it to sound like a Goosebumps book, you know?
Just a little constructive criticism. ;]

Jerry:
I like it too, and it makes me first think of Kingdom Hearts and the nobodies :D

Keep us informed of your rpg game to be! :)

Alais:
It's an interesting start, but as has been mentioned, it needs some spice. Right now it reads like a rough plan for something that should be at least 5x the length. Here are a few things:


* Expand on the part where Lunith finds the cave, have him try to get closer without being seen etc. to build the suspense.
* Make the part where your hero is captured by the light really shocking for him, describe how he is feeling and what he sees in the mens faces as he is drawn towards them against his will, before having him pass out.
* How do the men know his name? Why does Lunith accept that he is the "Shadow Warder" without the slightest bit of surprise?
* I know you haven't really done this yet (besides names) but try not to make up too many words, unless it is completely necessary. When you do introduce one of your own fantasy words, make sure to explain it (integrated into the story), unless you are certain that it is creating an air of mystery and not just annoying the reader.
One last thing, the word you want in the first sentence is "idyllic".

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