Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction & Writing

Crime pt1

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repo222:
 The dark, redvelvet-like blooddrop splashed on the floor. In real life, it would only be a tap like sound, but I heard a drum beat. These were the signs of a murder.

 My name is Tommy Gustavo. Im a italian, self made money maker. Well, I do get a little help from my gang. Im a mafia member. The mafia, family owned business, is a top gang of New York. The mafia is owned by my uncle Frankie.
if u want to read the rest, please comment because i want to know how good i did. Tank you :)

 

repo222:
hehe.....

Mr. Fox:
post the rest so I can read it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Declan_23:
Not bad, you may want to check your grammar and word order a little.
Here's an edited version:

The dark, red, velvet-like blood drop splashed on the floor. In real life, it would only sound like a tap, but I heard a drum beat. These were the signs of a murder.

 My name is Tommy Gustavo. Im an Italian, a self made money maker. Well, I do get a little help from my gang. Im a mafia member. The mafia, a family owned business, is one of the top gangs of New York. The mafia is owned by my uncle Frankie.

But all in all, I would love to hear more :)

Frenchfry:

--- Quote from: Declan_23 on March 31, 2011, 09:49:03 PM ---Not bad, you may want to check your grammar and word order a little.
Here's an edited version:

The dark, red, velvet-like blood drop splashed on the floor. In real life, it would only sound like a tap, but I heard a drum beat. These were the signs of a murder.

 My name is Tommy Gustavo. I'm an Italian, a self made money maker. Well, I do get a little help from my gang. I am a mafia member. The mafia, a family owned business, is one of the top gangs of New York. The mafia is owned by my uncle Frankie.

--- End quote ---
Double fixed.
:P

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