Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction & Writing

(a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night

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Pubbles:
As a writer and an editor, I am hoping to help you out here a little!

You are rushing your story entirely too much, shortening things into sentences that should be paragraphs, if not even longer... For example:


--- Quote from: helper08 on June 12, 2012, 08:46:28 AM ---Chapter 2      "Dragonair?" An extremely familiar Dragonair came up to me and started licking my face, then I realized that this was my Dratini.

--- End quote ---

Instead of one sentence, play the words out over a few... Instead of "An extremely familiar Dragonair", wouldn't He at first be scared of where he was, where his Dratini was, and what the Doctor was talking about? After the initial reaction, perhaps the Dragonair would peek out from a corner, and would look somewhat familiar... Maybe recognize the eyes, or the bearing...

A good story is a JOURNEY to somewhere, people reading WANT to be on that journey, so let them be on it a little longer, give them more of a pathway to walk, they (we) will be glad of it, and it'll make your writing better.


--- Quote from: helper08 on June 12, 2012, 08:46:28 AM ---  Dratini, you evolved! I tried to say, but my voice was too hoarse and it just came out as a croak.
      "Oh, you must be thirsty, and confused! Here drink this and I'll tell you more." He handed me a water bottle and then began "So, the police came after someone came telling about a person that had frightened a kid into battling him and warned the kid that if he won, the kid would have to give the man all of the kid's Pokemon. They came just in time to see the man's Houndour attacking you, but suddenly you were flown into a tree, at that same time the Houndour, and his trainer had collapsed and fallen into a coma, unfortunately you did too. Since then we have been having trouble stabilizing the other man's heartbeat and then after five years, or now, your heart had stopped beating for a second.What's extremely odd is that your 'friend' appears to be getting older by the nights and he looks like an old geezer even though he's only twenty-seventh. Oh, and a couple of things that are off topic, our Pokemon physicist has been exercising your Dratini daily, and recently she evolved into a Dragonair, I would also like to tell you that she has learned quite a large amount of new moves. The other off topic news for you is that this is your fifteenth birthday, happy birthday!" He tried to say in a cheery mood. "Any questions?"
      "Just one, can I see the man that I was battling?"

--- End quote ---

That was waaaaayy too much information to drop in such a short amount of reading space! And there's no real reaction from the main character... Even if he's in "shock" by all the news, there'd still be something to say.. perhaps he blinks slowly taking all the information in.

Try to write things with as much reality as possible, even really bad Doctors are trained to give bad news in better ways than that, so keep that in mind too!

You'll do well, just keep writing and listening to input from others, even if it isn't praise it can boost your story telling abilities, sometimes even more than good words!

Take care and keep on trying!

helper08:
THANKS SOOOO MUCH!!!! I FEEL WIERD NOW..... Anyways yeah, this isn't a really proffessional story so yeah I'll make the changes and..... I want to ask, what are the good parts of the story so I can remember what I did well and implement that on the later parts of the story to make the later of the story better

helper08:

--- Quote from: Pubbles on June 13, 2012, 02:42:52 AM ---

Instead of one sentence, play the words out over a few... Instead of "An extremely familiar Dragonair", wouldn't He at first be scared of where he was, where his Dratini was, and what the Doctor was talking about? After the initial reaction, perhaps the Dragonair would peek out from a corner, and would look somewhat familiar... Maybe recognize the eyes, or the bearing...

--- End quote ---
Ok, I hoped I fixed that for you

--- Quote from: Pubbles on June 13, 2012, 02:42:52 AM ---A good story is a JOURNEY to somewhere, people reading WANT to be on that journey, so let them be on it a little longer, give them more of a pathway to walk, they (we) will be glad of it, and it'll make your writing better.

--- End quote ---

I will try to make each place a bit longer, (SPOILER ALERT!) the 'witch's realm' was short because I wanted the main character to visit that place multiple times and each time his stay there would get longer and longer



--- Quote from: Pubbles on June 13, 2012, 02:42:52 AM ---That was waaaaayy too much information to drop in such a short amount of reading space! And there's no real reaction from the main character... Even if he's in "shock" by all the news, there'd still be something to say.. perhaps he blinks slowly taking all the information in.

--- End quote ---

I hope I fixed that too


--- Quote from: Pubbles on June 13, 2012, 02:42:52 AM ---Try to write things with as much reality as possible, even really bad Doctors are trained to give bad news in better ways than that, so keep that in mind too!

--- End quote ---

I wanted the doctor to be a fake and not really know what he was doing so that's why he did that so poorly

Pubbles:
Nice changes!!

Keep up the effort and writing! The more you write (and read!) the better you'll be, and who knows, one day you may be writing novels or graphic novels, or even stories for games and anime!

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