Pokemon Universe MMORPG

Creative Discussions => Fan Fiction & Writing => Topic started by: PowerPoke on February 21, 2011, 01:34:51 AM

Title: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: PowerPoke on February 21, 2011, 01:34:51 AM

On a sunny, sunday morning, Lucario's belly rumbled! "I'm hungry" Said Lucario with a smile. "I'm going to go to the poffin shop!" So Lucario walked past the Funny Forest, he met a little Riolu. "I'm hungry!" Said the Riolu. "Me too!" Said Lucario! "Why don't we go to the poffin shop together?" Lucario said happily! "That sounds great" Shouted Riolu with delight! So they both walked into Hunny Sunny City! They went inside the poffin shop and went to the counter! "Please could we buy some sweet poffins?" Lucario said to the Blissy running the shop. "Okie Dokie!" Said the Blissy! "Rumble rumble" Went Riolu's tummy. "That'll be 1 Oran berry please!" Said the Blissy. "Ok" Smiled Lucario. So lucario and Riolu walked out of the shop with their Sweet Poffins! "Gobble Gobble" "Crunch" "Munch" Lucario and Riolu sat on a rock and ate the poffins! "Yum Yum!" Said Riolu! "Delicious" Smiled Lucario! Lucario and Riolu went back home and fell asleep with a full tummy! What a fantastic day!

Title: Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: PowerPoke on February 21, 2011, 01:37:34 AM

Do you like it? It's my first ever pokemon story ;D

Title: Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: LeoReborn on February 21, 2011, 02:05:20 AM

How old are you?

It seems a little childish, and the story is difficult to read because its crammed in there.
It is good for a first story, but I'd suggest reading some of the stories in this section, preferably written by me, Frenchfry, Jerry, Pkmn Trainer Black... people like us.

Its constructive criticism, to make you a great writer. I would suggest those things to write like a true author.

Title: Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: PowerPoke on February 21, 2011, 02:08:15 AM

Thanks StarLite! I'll take your advice and become a better writer! :)

Title: Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: Frenchfry on February 21, 2011, 06:33:00 PM

Quote from: StarLite on February 21, 2011, 02:05:20 AM

How old are you?

It seems a little childish, and the story is difficult to read because its crammed in there.
It is good for a first story, but I'd suggest reading some of the stories in this section, preferably written by me, Frenchfry, Jerry, Pkmn Trainer Black... people like us.

Its constructive criticism, to make you a great writer. I would suggest those things to write like a true author.

Fixed.
Also, as a side note, the stories I'm writing have a dark feel to them, so don't take the emotions they portray to heart if you want a story that makes people feel good about themselves.

Title: Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: Jerry on February 21, 2011, 06:49:35 PM

Things you can add...

1. The setting (time, weather maybe, type of environment or better, give hints at this, etc)
2. The plot (why are they doing this or that? Maybe tell a little of what happened before, what is happening)
3. The structure (use of paragraphs is a big issue)

Try those for now. :)

Title: Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: repo222 on March 30, 2011, 02:23:21 AM

the story is kinda childish. But impressive :D

Title: Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: Frenchfry on March 30, 2011, 02:43:16 AM

Repo, the man boy who made this thread is permabanned.

Actually, now that he's gone, I can freely say that reading this story made me want to vomit.

Title: Re: Lucario goes to the poffin shop!
Post by: UnationConsideration on March 30, 2011, 02:47:01 AM

....What's up with all these newbs?