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Author Topic: The judgement of a witch  (Read 7290 times)

Offline Desbear

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The judgement of a witch
« on: January 18, 2015, 04:50:33 am »
I sat in the crowd, biting my lip as I watched them tie the girl to the stake... How many of us would they kill, before they realized they are the true monsters...? That they, are the ones causing endless death, that we... Have done nothing wrong... Even now, they were going to burn this one for using magic to heal someone who was  very ill... I couldn't stand it... I felt my heart begin to pound harder, and harder as the fire began to creep up her legs... I watched as the fire began to touch her... And then, she bean to cackle... I felt my heart nearly jump out of place... I recognized the laugh... It was Hason's, the witch of chaos...

As the fire reached her, I noticed something, and so did the crowd. The fire wasn't crawling up her stake, it was flying towards her hands, which had come free of the bindings. I watched in fear as the fire was gathered into a ball... I would be immune to the fire, due to myself being a witch of fire... But... There were innocent people here, weren't there...? They didn't all deserve it... No... None of them deserved it, not a death this painful, no one, deserves it... Not even her. She began to yell, the voice ringing out along the area... Saying of how much they had wronged our kind, saying how much these humans didn't deserve to live, and to watch as she would exterminate them, one town at a time... I watched as she threw the ball of flame, which was at a massive size now, into the air, and as it began to come back down, hurtling towards the crowd. I did something I shouldn't have, something that almost cost me my life... I saved them. My voice echoed out, and my hands began to glow with a white color, as I yelled the incantation... "CONTEGO!"

As the words left my mouth, a barrier seemed to glass over the entire village, the ball of flame smashing into the shield of light, and dissipating as the shield began to die out... I began to sway, a shield of that size was no easy feat... I assumed that maybe the people would be grateful that I saved them, that I had stopped their death... But it was the opposite... When I came to, I was in her place, and she was gone... When I came to, I was... Well, where I am now. I've been tied here for over a day, and today is the day I die... I don't even have enough energy to save them, and I only know protection spells... I couldn't save myself if I wanted to...

I began to silently begin to cry as they read off my charges, of being a witch... Emotions began to well up inside me as the crowd I had saved... The crowd who I had kept from burning, came to watch my death, came to watch, as they set me up to die. I watched as they began to chant... Penitence for my crimes, penitence...And my life... I watched as they lit the fire, however, a paper seemed to fall out of their pocket, and they seemed to... Smile at me... The paper had three things written on it... Englace, Enblaze, and Luse... I recognized all of them, and I knew what they wanted me to do... But I can't, as much as I want to, I can't do it... I don't have the ability, I don't have the energy... As much as the anger in me wanted them dead, I couldn't do anything... I began to do something that was rare for me, something I would never do, as I knew exactly who I was praying to... I began to pray, to the Gaia's... And, I guess they granted my wish... Not to be delivered... But they would grant my wish, that the crowd would have judgement passed upon them... By my hands.

I felt energy rush into me as the fires began to press against my legs, and I knew what I had to do. I muttered the word 'englace', and shards of ice began to spring fourth from the stake, crushing the fire in it's place, smiting it... I then began to say something as the ropes around me loosened, as I cut them off with the ice itself... I spoke about how I had given them a second chance, about how I had saved them from the witch of chaos... Yet they failed to repent, and become a better people... I did the very thing I had vowed not to do, the very thing, I stopped the other witch from doing... I yelled an incantation, much more powerful than hers, one that would bring them to a quick, and swift death... "ENBLAZE!"

As the words left my mouth, runic symbols across the entire town began to light up, to make one, giant red mark. Fire began to spring fourth, a little at first, but it sprung into a large, wave of flame, anything caught in the blast being turned blackened and crisp in a matter of mere seconds... At least, that's what the spell should have done... Using the last of my energy, before I could even see what I had done, I used a spell to transport myself into a random place, a... Safe place... I used the final spell on the paper the one had dropped... "Luse."

Then, as I saw my surroundings... Green, a forest... But as soon as I was there, and had oriented myself, it all went black, and I could see nothing, for I had lost consciousness...


Basically, I write little tidbits and odd things like this, and I'm just gonna slowly post them here as I rewrite them or whatever. I'd like some criticism, but, I'd also like it known I'm doing my best, and sometimes things just come out awkward. That being said, go ahead and say whatever.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2015, 04:52:57 am by Desbear »
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Offline TrainerX

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Re: The judgement of a witch
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2015, 09:07:06 am »
You were pretty heavy on the ellipses there, you might want to use them less. I get that you were trying to get it across that the main character is exhausted, but in my opinion, it would have been better to convey how exhausted she is through actual thoughts running through her head, rather than through punctuation. Not that you shouldn't use ellipses at all, but I think it would look much cleaner and just better overall with just an ellipsis here and there.

There were a few sentences with lots of commas that might have sounded better if they were split into two sentences or something ("As the words left my mouth, a barrier seemed to glass over the entire village, the ball of flame smashing into the shield of light, and dissipating as the shield began to die out..." for example).

Other than that, there's not much to provide criticism for. I thought the spell names were a little odd, but that comes down to personal preference. Criticizing that would just be extremely nitpick-y.

Offline Desbear

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Re: The judgement of a witch
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2015, 03:14:54 am »
Thanks for the feedback!  Someone else I knew had brought up the same points, and I'm currently working on the rewrite I do of this after my writing style changes so much. I'm up to the point where Hason attempts to kill the village right now.
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