Shadow Games

[DayStar]

This a beginning to a rpg that I may decide to create;


Okay so i've edited it slightly, what do you think?

[DarK_SouL]

it sounds pretty interesting i think.

[Dracoules]

I think it's really interesting but it's vocabulary needs spiced up a great deal.
I mean you don't want it to sound like a Goosebumps book, you know?
Just a little constructive criticism. ;]

[Jerry]

I like it too, and it makes me first think of Kingdom Hearts and the nobodies

Keep us informed of your rpg game to be!

[Alais]

It's an interesting start, but as has been mentioned, it needs some spice. Right now it reads like a rough plan for something that should be at least 5x the length. Here are a few things:

• Expand on the part where Lunith finds the cave, have him try to get closer without being seen etc. to build the suspense.
• Make the part where your hero is captured by the light really shocking for him, describe how he is feeling and what he sees in the mens faces as he is drawn towards them against his will, before having him pass out.
• How do the men know his name? Why does Lunith accept that he is the "Shadow Warder" without the slightest bit of surprise?
• I know you haven't really done this yet (besides names) but try not to make up too many words, unless it is completely necessary. When you do introduce one of your own fantasy words, make sure to explain it (integrated into the story), unless you are certain that it is creating an air of mystery and not just annoying the reader.

One last thing, the word you want in the first sentence is "idyllic".

[DarK_SouL]

I like it too, and it makes me first think of Kingdom Hearts and the nobodies

Keep us informed of your rpg game to be!

that is exactly what i thought!!!
hooed like in organization 13
and like destiny island!!!

[DayStar]

Errm, can/should I post mapping or is that taking a bit too far?
Or would it be better off on a different thread?
Just thought i'd ask first

[Blaze]

Different thread. You could provide a link in this thread to that thread, but I think posting images of your game would be going too far off the topic of the section.

[DayStar]

I though so (thought i'd check first), but which thread would I post them in?

[DayStar]

Hmmmmm, i'm going to bump, I would really appreciate the criticism or praise and could someone tell me which forum I could post some screenshots, (if that would be allowed)

[Aristos]

It's pretty interesting.

I like it how you grab the reader's attention by using a good description instead of using most dialogue from most people who make a story. Usually they would fill the whole story with dialogue. It doesn't really show what's happening in the story.

But your words feels like you're bringing the story to life! If I was a teacher I would probably get someone to publish this. :]

~Aristos

[DayStar]

Errm, thanks - Thanks Alot!