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Author Topic: New World Warriors  (Read 12795 times)

Offline Arctus

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #15 on: October 04, 2011, 09:39:00 AM »
This is a cool story, nice work. Also, if you enjoy writing, you should look up NaNoWriMo.

Offline Jerry

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2011, 12:32:47 PM »
It gets a little confusing towards the end of this chapter, maybe you could review it and change where necessary?

Otherwise, it doesn't seem like you'll run out of ideas soon, and that's good :)
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

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Offline Curtoa

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2011, 04:49:34 AM »
Where does it get confusing at? I have some free time this week to rework it.

Offline Jerry

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2011, 11:52:32 AM »
I found that part confusing:

 “it was me who lead the army into their towns I killed their family and burnt their homes. Don’t you get it? There not fighting the person who put them here no their following him. You, see now don’t you the monster we fight is not King Henry not the captain of the guard me!”

“Ray!” Scar ran in to the clearing and pulled Ray off of Ravenflight “What are you thinking? Ravenflight is with child!” Ravenflight’s jet-black hair was meshed with Scar’s.

He really did lead the army into their towns? I really thought that the army was against him, that is the other way round and... "Ravenflight is with child!" I think that should be 'a child' instead. And I'm not sure what you meant be 'meshed' exactly...
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline Tickles

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #19 on: October 05, 2011, 05:00:44 PM »
By meshed, he means it collided and mixed in. It's nexus talk ( If you know what the nexus is, and at least that's what I think he meant).
Find me on Steam: Sir Ticklesword

Offline Jerry

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #20 on: October 05, 2011, 05:02:25 PM »
Ah, okay, thanks for clearing that part. I guessed it somehow like that, but wanted to make sure, and google didn't really help by giving some weird definitions :P
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline Tickles

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #21 on: October 05, 2011, 05:05:54 PM »
Glad to be of service.
Find me on Steam: Sir Ticklesword

Offline Curtoa

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #22 on: October 06, 2011, 07:06:40 AM »
Yea that's what i mean by meshed that they were one. what I mean when i write "She is with child." is that Ravenflight is pregnant. It was commonly used before the widespread use of the word pregnant. I think that I will be adding to the Prologue to clear up about Ray but for your information Ray was named Supreme Commander of Lendom Forces, as it says, what i forgot to write was that he lead every battle before he renounced his brother as king of Lendom. I hope that Clears all that up for you Jerry! Cortex I haven't the foggiest what you mean by nexus but feel free to fill me in if you like through a private message so that this thread doesn't get to long.  :)

Offline Jerry

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #23 on: October 06, 2011, 04:55:29 PM »
Lol, okay, that clears it. I certainly am not acquainted to the old saying, seeing that I have difficulty with the slang itself ::) :P
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline Curtoa

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2011, 05:51:29 AM »
Understandable it may be something I have to change if it isn't as widespread known as I thought it was.

Offline Jerry

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #25 on: October 07, 2011, 02:46:23 PM »
Oh no no, if you like that style, or think it goes well with the story, go forward, I'll just ask if necessary and at the same time, learn some new things ;)
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline Curtoa

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #26 on: October 11, 2011, 07:01:56 AM »
Coolio. Here is the next chapter. right now am writing a short fairy tale that takes place in a post apocalyptic world so if any one wants to read that one when its done let me know and i will make a thread for it.   8)
so Chapter 5 is a little bit more in to emotional conflict with Ray and also (spoiler --> ) [spoiler]Scar dies[/spoiler] but we get a more insight into the town of Lendom and the citizens of the Lendom nation.
Chapter Five
The Battle That Was Never Fought

Ray sat in his room looking down on a map of the empire and tried to plot where they could attack next from when a knock sounded from the door.

“Enter if you must.” Ray answered the knock curtly.

“Ray, I just wanted to let you know that Ravenflight is ok.” Scar said as he entered.

“Scar I truly am sorry I do not know what came over me.” Ray looked in Scar’s eyes “but now we must plan an attack I believe here the casualties will be less. I consulted with Cody on the walls defense as well before I left the city and he believes that with this wall so high,” Ray pointed to a spot on the map, “that it will be not very well defended, thus we can storm it.”

“Ray, Taking Lendom will not bring Fredrick back to life.” Scar tried to comfort his friend “have you talked to Av yet?”

“Alert the men for we move at dawn.”


*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
Last week in Lendom

“Sir” a short weasel like man ran after the caption of the guards. “Sir I heard your son say something you might like to know.”


*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Present
“Alright, attack on my command.” Ray snuck forward with the small raiding party. Then disaster struck, a yell sounded form the wall and attack lights where lit as arrows flew down at the attackers from the ramparts.
“Ambush!”
“Keep attacking!” he ordered as some of his men started to fall back. Ray screamed as an arrow flew into his shoulder.
Scar rushed the fallen leader “Ray c’mon we need to get out of here the raid has been compromised.”
“No, we must take the wall.” Ray cringed as the arrow sunk deeper.
“Ray, we are getting cut to-“an arrow slammed into Scar’s lung, before he could finish.
“Scar!”
“Commander, may I ask yo-“
“Scar, forget what I said before, you are my friend and will be till the end of times.” Ray interrupted Scar. Ray’s eyes become watery.
“Ray, give this to Ravenflight and tell her that I love her” Scar pressed a ring into Ray’s hand, “Ray, my friend, am sorry I failed you.”
“No Scar you could never fail me. You will never be forgotten.” Tears began to burn Ray’s eyes.
Scar smiled “None of us will ever be forgotten we’re making history. Just don’t let my boy” Scar began a coughing fit, blood seeped out of his wound. “learn about me from some monk, let him hear the truth and let him live in a free world, your world Ray.” Scar’s eye’s slowly glazed over as his lean body went limp.
“Sire, we must flee you are hurt.” A young boy of perhaps fourteen was running to Ray. “Everyone else is dead and you will join them soon if we don’t leave.”
“Cody, I can’t don’t you see? I am better dead, everyone has died around me. To live would to kill more people.” Ray tore at his clothing in anger.
“Ray you are the only one who can save us from your brother’s tyranny. That is why you were head of the army because people follow you not because of your blood but because you are the only thing that reminds us why we should fight against all odds against all types of evil.”
Ray stood up with a new fire in his eyes and he seemed to notice the peril they were in. “We must get Scar’s body back to The City In The Forest.”
The two began the voyage back to the forest, here and there they picked up warriors who had survived the onslaught. Finally they arrived at the forest line, Ray turned back to the battlefield, Lendom’s defenders where piling up the bodies and burning them, one thing was for sure the battle was lost but the war was far, far from over. They would return in greater force.

Offline Jerry

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #27 on: October 11, 2011, 11:39:33 AM »
"yell sounded form" -> "yell sounded from"
"Scar rushed the fallen leader" -> "Scar rushed towards/to the fallen leader"


Otherwise, this piece seemed quite short as compared to the previous ones, I must say I expected a little longer. That doesn't mean however that it was less good than the previous ones :)

Also, you sure can post the other one too :P
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline Curtoa

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #28 on: October 12, 2011, 05:43:47 AM »
 ::) I always mix from and form. I know that its shorter but it probaly took the most amount of time to write with the death of Scar and working on showing the Lendom is divided between the war.

Offline Jerry

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Re: New World Warriors
« Reply #29 on: October 12, 2011, 12:34:17 PM »
Ahh, okay :)
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...