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Author Topic: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night  (Read 7108 times)

Offline helper08

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(a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« on: June 12, 2012, 08:46:28 AM »
     
Prolouge
       "Houndour flamethrower!" A jet of flame was unleashed from the Houndour's jaws, apparntly not weakened at all from the rain pouring down on the duo of battling trainers. I of course was one of them.
      "Dratini dodge that!" I called out to my trusty Dratini, swiftly in the air she rolled to the side right away from the jet of flame, "Dratini! Now use Aqua Tail" Dratini's tail came up like a roaring wave and came crashing down on my opponent's Houndour, the Houndour was thrown back by the force of the Aqua Tail.
      "Wow! I've never seen your Dratini so strong spirited, the rain must be helping Dratini in not only power, but in courage!" The trainer's rough voice cut through the rain, "but I think I've got myself another victory against you! Houndour finish this off with a quick Slash!"
      The Houndour charged at my Dratini, I could see the claws extend from Houndour's paws and then glow. "Woah! Dratini watch out! Quickly dodge!" Dratini just barely dodges the slash and the Houndour crashes towards me unable to stop, his paw outstretched he nearly cut through me until at the last moment I was blown backwards and towards a tree where I lay there, to stunned to move.
 
Chapter 1
No One Has Time for Nonsense Jibberjabber
      "Tini?" My Dratini was floating in front of my face looking at me with a worried face.
      "Hi, Dratini what just happened?
      You were moved by a supernatural force my dear a strange mysterious voice said in my head, it reminded me of an old witch from a scary movie I watched otherwise known as me, AHAHA! Now come along my dear, you can't escape my realm unless you go deeper into the forest!
      "How can you speak in my head like that?"
      Move! I dare say move! We don't have time for this nonsense jibberjabber the voice said in my head, I got up and got Dratini to follow me, I looked around for the trainer and his Houndour, but they were nowhere to be found. I ran into the woods only on the voice's terms, I slipped a couple of times and got my shoe stuck in some mud. The place had really started pouring now. Good! Good! Now, see that tall hill with a sort of cap?
      "How can I not" I mumbled.
      What makes you think that just because I'm speaking to you doesn't mean I can't read your thoughts and hear whatever you say? Now move along and climb up the hill my dear, it will be your portal to safety!
      I climbed higher, and higher, until I reached the top of the hill where I came up to the top of the hill to find the trainer and his Houndour trapped in some sort of orange and black 'electric cage' that appeared to also be strapping them to the wall, they were both crying out in pain and looked like they were getting weaker by the second, They are.... feeding me my power, now you will join them as well! AHAHAHA
      A huge beast that looked like a giant Gengar appeared in front of me, it's eyes glowed and a large ball of darkness appeared in front of it Shadow Ball! I thought and it came at me, I screamed and suddenly the world exploded in the sound of my name being called.
Chapter 2
Beeping Will Be the Awakening of the Dead
      A loud beeping noise welcomed me into the land of the living, I felt something being pumped into my right arm and I could see and feel the edge of the breathing mask put on me to help me breath, as I breathed it misted the breathing mask and made my mouth feel warm. I suddenly noticed, as a result of trying to get up, I was strapped to a chair as though I was in a hospital bed (Which later I figured out it was). "Oh, good!" The beeping noise subsided, as a man said that, and it then became a slight repetitive beep which matched my heartbeat. "You nearly dyed on me!" The man said, "After 5 years your heartbeat was completely stable until now." He murmured to himself while jotting down something on his clipboard he had in his small pudgy hand, "and your awake..." He added.
      Where am I? I thought, Where's Dratini, and what happened to the giant Gengar looking Pokemon go? What was all th-   
      "Dragonair?" My voice was cut off by an extremely familiar Dragonair that peeked up from beneath the chair that I was lying on, it came up to me and started licking my face.
      Who's Pokemon is this? I thought, and why is it showing affection to me? Wouldn't a Chansey be the Pokemon that helps out with the medical work, or does it change for wherever I am? Wait A second, those eyes, large bright blue eyes they look just like my Dratini's eyes! The voice! Oh, my the voice is just the same, and the Dragonair's unusually small body, just li- no this is my Dratini! "Dratini, you evolved!" I tried to say, but my voice was too hoarse and it just came out as a croak.
      "Oh, you must be thirsty, and confused! Here drink this and I'll tell you more." He handed me a water bottle and then began "So, the police came after, someone, came telling about a person that had frightened a kid into battling him and warned the kid that if he won, the kid would have to give the man all of the kid's Pokemon. They came just in time to see the man's Houndour attacking you, but suddenly you were flown into a tree, at that same time the Houndour, and his trainer had collapsed and fallen into a coma, unfortunately you did too."
      "Since then we have been having trouble stabilizing the other man's heartbeat and then after five years, or now, your heart had stopped beating for a second. What's extremely odd is that your 'friend' appears to be getting older by the nights and he looks like an old geezer even though he's only twenty-seven."
      "Oh, and a couple of things that are off topic, our Pokemon physicist has been exercising your Dratini daily, and recently she evolved into a Dragonair, I would also like to tell you that she has learned quite a large amount of new moves. The other off topic news for you is that this is your fifteenth birthday, happy birthday!" He tried to say in a cheery mood. "Any questions?"
      I was trying to take in each and every word that the doctor had said, the doctor, I could tell, wasn't very good at his job, he had explained everything in a manner that made my head spin, I suddenly felt as though I had just gotten off one of those really fast rides that spun you around in a huge circle, but one thought immediately came to mind, I pushed everything away and decided to try and wrap my head around everything after I the doctor goes away. "Can I see the man that I was battling?
      "Ok, fine" He said and he brought me over to see the man, surprisingly after five years I was in food shape and I could easily walk after the doctor got me strapped off the hospital bed, that was when I noticed how much older I felt and that was also when reality came crashing down on me, everything that I had pushed away came speeding back, it was like a train had suddenly come and just dropped all it's passengers off on my brain and then promptly ran over it. I was a lot taller and somehow a lot stronger to, when I looked at the window to the hallway I could see my reflection on it, I had bright piercing blue eyes and a long ruffled look to my hair, my black hair was a little long, not all the way down to my shoulders long, but long enough so that when I got off the hospital bed, my hair almost blocked my right eye, a line of stubble was also forming above my lips. When I finished looking at my reflection I felt like fainting, but instead, threw up on the floor. The doctor called for some people to come and clean it up and he patted me on the back and said everything would be ok. I nodded and took the back of my hand and wiped away anything on my face and I thought, 5 years I was out, 5 years, "you're quite handsome I have to say," he said trying to cheer me up, and also to get me moving, "you must be shocked, but I can't have you stand there and do nothing, my boss says that you should only have short periods of time for you to stand, now come along now." He said
      I followed him in my hospital gown to the room where the man I was battling against was, we went down the hall and turned left to another set of doors and windows to other hospital rooms, he showed me the first one to my left and before I looked through the window, I let my Dragonair fly in front of me and look at me with worried eyes, she had seen him before I had and was worried about something as though she had known something bad was about to happen, I turned around to look at the man, he was sleeping, pale and white haired, surprisingly there were no wrinkles on the face of what was the man and now looked like an old man who did nothing but play chess all the time "He woke up before you, he's taking a nap now and he-" he was cut off when the lights suddenly went out and the window in front of me shattered, and suddenly the man was flying at me with an outstretched hand, in his other hand was a dagger-like shard of glass.
Chapter 3
The War of Light vs Dark, a battle over his control
      When I saw him coming at me with the shard of glass, some reflex kicked in, literally, I kicked up with my left leg and threw it to the right, knocking into the man, the man flew off to the side of the room and crashed into a wall, he fell and face planted the floor, a strange shadowy mist came out of him, it then moved away from the body and flew at me. I suddenly felt like I was being strained and pushed, I kicked and punched but the mist had no real physical structure. On my knees, I could feel my energy being drained away, suddenly Dragonair appeared out of no where and it used, dragon pulse,the dragon pulse exploded in mid-air but before it did it broke into the fog like how on a cartoon on T.V. a huge blob of gelatinous monster would suck in something, it didn't do as much as I hoped but it brought most of the fog away, the remaining fog attacked me and got into my brain through every means possible, I squatted down and put my hands to my temples and screamed, inside myself I could somehow feel the darkness going into my brain, each it touched part of my brain, it felt like my brain had been cut open, sewed back together only to be cut open again, suddenly my consciousness was pulled somewhere, "Where am I?" I said aloud, I looked around and saw that I was surrounded by light like a shield and the rest was complete darkness, something suddenly clicked in myself that I was in the workings of my brain, I moved forward and swept my hand around the fog, everywhere the fog touched my skin I would feel a minor burning sensation but it would go away and the fog around there would be turned into more of the light that was surrounding me, I tried to conjure something to help me and suddenly I found that all the fog was merging into itself to turn into some supernatural being, the place where the fog was, was now just bleak darkness and I couldn't turn it into light again.
      "Aha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha you . me . light. darkness . I . turned . into . something . more . suitable . for . fighting . you, . turn . your . light . into . an . army . and . prepare . for . battle!" He said in long spaced words, suddenly all the bleak darkness turned into a large army of all sorts of mutated humans, pokemon and other things that I didn't even have a name for.
      "What th-" suddenly all of the light turned into an assortment of pokemon and people.
      "Charge!" The strange being screamed and both light and the dark attacked, I was left to stand there in a daze trying to take in what was happening, the mutations appeared to be winning having a somewhat larger arsenal of even more deadly attacks, but the light had more people and could even sometimes change the opponents into them. Suddenly the being charged at me and he created a shadow axe somehow.
      Argh! What do I do! What do I do! What do I do! I thought Can I do something like that? I closed my eyes and imagined a spear made out of light appearing in front of me with the butt of the spear pointing at me and the head pointing at the being. I opened my eyes and there was the exact same spear I imagined pointing at the being I then closed my eyes and imagined the spear flying straight at the being, (I got this from watching and reading to many comics and movies when I was younger) when I did that I opened my eyes, the spear went flying towards the being ripping through some of the mutations and passing through without hurting the light. The being cried out in pain as the spear became lodged into it's chest, I could tell that the spear passed straight through the things chest as well.
      "Fine . then, . you . may . have . one . this, . but . I . will . now . send . you . back . to . . the . realm . of . my . master's, . you . shall . have . proper . punishment . there!" Suddenly I felt myself being moved and I found myself in the place that I had apparently been for five years, the dark forest, realm of the weird giant Gangar-like beast.
Chapter 4
A'vast me harty! We have come across water!
Pah! Pathetic dreams all unwelcome and unneeded The strange voice appeared in my head like before, but it was essential for me to take you, to bad I couldn't take you fully, that's what I get for trying to take control of the forbidden plate of Ar- Oh, my, my, my your still listening are you I'll just do this- She had said in my head but when I tried to grasp what she said I lost it and it faded from my mind and I could no longer remember it. There we go! Now I would like to show you something, this will be quite interesting!
      Suddenly I felt myself once again, being drawn away from where I was and I found myself in a different body, but I was an outsider, a viewer from someone else eyes, unable to control the mans actions. "Oye, mate! What do you see?!" The man whose eyes I was seeing through asked.
       "Just water, captain!"
       "Aye! You dimwit! I can see dat!" The captain whom I was viewing from said, making the 'th' sound like a 'd' as though he were reading a text on a phone. "Now, get down 'ere 'fore I make ya!" He yelled.
      "Aye, aye cap'" he scrambled down the top of the mast, he was scared for some reason, as though a Gyarados were chasing after him. He came down and saluted. "What d' ya want cap'?" He asked.
      "Get down to dat 'room' 'n' get me me treasure!"
      "Yes, cap'" he said and went down to the 'room.'
      Ahh, the water pl- watery ocean The voice spoke into my head again, I wanted to show you this because.... You'll see. The crew member came up with a strange chest, it must have been heavy... or he was really weak which was probably true since he was so scrawny.
      "I brought..... ye d'..... treasure!" He gasped.
      "Good, now get back on duty!" He yelled, instantly the crew member dropped the chest and ran back on top of the mast and started looking out again, "Now, let's see this..." His pirate accent suddenly disappeared and he started murmuring, which, one of my brothers or sisters is this, and why is he or she in hibernation?" He asked himself, he then opened it and a bright light flashed, a strange gold like colored plate was in the middle of the chest, "who th- is it the normal type plate? The electric? Oh! It must be the light plate!"
      Light plate? I thought, I knew there were plates created by Arceus that were each based off of the different types, but there is no light type that I knew of then.
      Suddenly the plate started to crumble, and it turned into a strange gold like dust that started to float away, "the light plate, it has been awakened the person who's eyes I was looking through said, than it faded away and I was back in the forest. (To be continued)
 
« Last Edit: July 05, 2012, 10:14:30 PM by helper08 »

Offline The-Blades-slave

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Re: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2012, 08:58:22 AM »
Well, I like the story, hate the cliff hanger.  8)


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Offline helper08

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Re: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2012, 09:04:47 AM »
glad you like it, about to add more

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Re: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2012, 09:19:07 AM »
well that does it for the night see ya

Offline The-Blades-slave

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Re: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2012, 11:19:49 PM »
In a comatose state for five years, that's a classic, lol.


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Offline Pubbles

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Re: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2012, 02:42:52 AM »
As a writer and an editor, I am hoping to help you out here a little!

You are rushing your story entirely too much, shortening things into sentences that should be paragraphs, if not even longer... For example:

Chapter 2
      "Dragonair?" An extremely familiar Dragonair came up to me and started licking my face, then I realized that this was my Dratini.

Instead of one sentence, play the words out over a few... Instead of "An extremely familiar Dragonair", wouldn't He at first be scared of where he was, where his Dratini was, and what the Doctor was talking about? After the initial reaction, perhaps the Dragonair would peek out from a corner, and would look somewhat familiar... Maybe recognize the eyes, or the bearing...

A good story is a JOURNEY to somewhere, people reading WANT to be on that journey, so let them be on it a little longer, give them more of a pathway to walk, they (we) will be glad of it, and it'll make your writing better.

  Dratini, you evolved! I tried to say, but my voice was too hoarse and it just came out as a croak.
      "Oh, you must be thirsty, and confused! Here drink this and I'll tell you more." He handed me a water bottle and then began "So, the police came after someone came telling about a person that had frightened a kid into battling him and warned the kid that if he won, the kid would have to give the man all of the kid's Pokemon. They came just in time to see the man's Houndour attacking you, but suddenly you were flown into a tree, at that same time the Houndour, and his trainer had collapsed and fallen into a coma, unfortunately you did too. Since then we have been having trouble stabilizing the other man's heartbeat and then after five years, or now, your heart had stopped beating for a second.What's extremely odd is that your 'friend' appears to be getting older by the nights and he looks like an old geezer even though he's only twenty-seventh. Oh, and a couple of things that are off topic, our Pokemon physicist has been exercising your Dratini daily, and recently she evolved into a Dragonair, I would also like to tell you that she has learned quite a large amount of new moves. The other off topic news for you is that this is your fifteenth birthday, happy birthday!" He tried to say in a cheery mood. "Any questions?"
      "Just one, can I see the man that I was battling?"

That was waaaaayy too much information to drop in such a short amount of reading space! And there's no real reaction from the main character... Even if he's in "shock" by all the news, there'd still be something to say.. perhaps he blinks slowly taking all the information in.

Try to write things with as much reality as possible, even really bad Doctors are trained to give bad news in better ways than that, so keep that in mind too!

You'll do well, just keep writing and listening to input from others, even if it isn't praise it can boost your story telling abilities, sometimes even more than good words!

Take care and keep on trying!
... ... ... Shh ... ... ... The walls have feet ... ... ...

Offline helper08

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Re: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2012, 03:23:25 AM »
THANKS SOOOO MUCH!!!! I FEEL WIERD NOW..... Anyways yeah, this isn't a really proffessional story so yeah I'll make the changes and..... I want to ask, what are the good parts of the story so I can remember what I did well and implement that on the later parts of the story to make the later of the story better

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Re: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2012, 03:58:49 AM »


Instead of one sentence, play the words out over a few... Instead of "An extremely familiar Dragonair", wouldn't He at first be scared of where he was, where his Dratini was, and what the Doctor was talking about? After the initial reaction, perhaps the Dragonair would peek out from a corner, and would look somewhat familiar... Maybe recognize the eyes, or the bearing...
Ok, I hoped I fixed that for you
A good story is a JOURNEY to somewhere, people reading WANT to be on that journey, so let them be on it a little longer, give them more of a pathway to walk, they (we) will be glad of it, and it'll make your writing better.

I will try to make each place a bit longer, (SPOILER ALERT!) the 'witch's realm' was short because I wanted the main character to visit that place multiple times and each time his stay there would get longer and longer


That was waaaaayy too much information to drop in such a short amount of reading space! And there's no real reaction from the main character... Even if he's in "shock" by all the news, there'd still be something to say.. perhaps he blinks slowly taking all the information in.

I hope I fixed that too

Try to write things with as much reality as possible, even really bad Doctors are trained to give bad news in better ways than that, so keep that in mind too!

I wanted the doctor to be a fake and not really know what he was doing so that's why he did that so poorly


« Last Edit: June 13, 2012, 04:09:18 AM by helper08 »

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Re: (a newb making fan fiction) Shadow of the Stormy Night
« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2012, 02:17:11 AM »
Nice changes!!

Keep up the effort and writing! The more you write (and read!) the better you'll be, and who knows, one day you may be writing novels or graphic novels, or even stories for games and anime!
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