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Author Topic: Year 13: Safety  (Read 3855 times)

Offline LeoReborn

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Year 13: Safety
« on: September 06, 2010, 04:01:49 AM »
(Sorry for the unusually long wait,*SPOILER* [spoiler]I had to figure out when to introduce Leo[/spoiler]

I was 13, when I met him. I wasn't sure how to deal with him, but I knew I couldnt Ignore him.

Walking home from school, Something felt Dreadful inside me. I pushed that to the back of my mind, I had a million other things of more importance to worry about. I suddenly started To feel a desire for someone to walk in the empty area around me. I looked down, and clutched my arms, as if to fill the void of not having someone Embrace me.
"Hi."
I jumped, not expecting a voice to ring.
"Hi..."
"Is something wrong? It seems like you miss someone."
"I'm fine."
I couldn't help but smile, as around him, My tense mood eased.
"Im Leo, You must be Kara. I-"
My smile faded and I burst into a fiery Rage.
"How Do you Know my Name? You must be a Stalker! Freak."
"No, You dont get it, Im new here, I asked around, and a lot of people talk about you, apparently"
My Anger fell into a solemn Sadness, and tears began to bead.
"So, its true, They know. They think Im evil. I shouldn't talk to you."
"Why, I dont see a problem with it, even if others hate you."
"You dont Get it! You never will..."
The streams down my cheek became more visible, as my tears were multiplying.
"What, Is it Mood Swings?"
"No, Im leaving everyone behind, so I can no longer harm anyone."
He looked into my eyes with regret.
"Why, You have hurt people?  You seem so gentle and kind."
"I am, but Its not my fault."
My tears were slowing, as I was calmer now.
"But...Wait..If you did it, then its your fault...anyways, Ive never heard anyone say you've hurt someone...I think this is some kind of joke."
My eyes flooded at his disbelief.
"You dont understand! I'll tell you. I was playing basketball, with my best friend, and some thing went wrong, The ball hit her in the spine, and now she cant walk. I just dont want anything worse happening anymore! Someone could Die!!! Its not a joke!! Its a damned curse, I guess bad luck to everyone close to me."
He embraced me, filling the void no one else could. He too, cried, His tears brushing my cheek.
"Im sorry, for everything you must have been through, and you have no say in it."
Although I didnt want to recreate the void he filled, I had to.
I pushed him Forcefully from me, breaking our connection.
"Stop. This isn't good, not for either one of us."
"What?"
"I cant be with you, If you die, Your blood will be on MY hands, I cant live like this."
"How are you still alive?"
"Im sorry, What Did you say? You think I should Die?"
He responded in a small voice, comfortingly.
"No, I mean if it were me, Id be long gone. It takes an Incredibly powerful heart to withstand that much pain."
"Oh, That? Thank you, but you really need to let me be."
"No."
"Seriously! Its not going to happen, Just go flirt with another girl, Im not good for anyone, Just GO!!"
"Ok, Ill go."
He turned around and walked away, the reverberating Stab in my heart was greater than when I paralyzed Julie.

I walked on, and upon getting home, I grasped my Mother, and cried into her blouse.

(Note: I use capitals to make certain words Stand Out. In Quotations/Dialouge, I use it to indicating a change in the Mood/Tone/Voice of the Speaker.

Hope That clears things.)
« Last Edit: September 06, 2010, 03:15:34 PM by Unbreakable »
By loving so many, I have touched their lives and helped them rebirth as well. To be strong is to instill strength in another.

Offline St. Jimmy

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Re: Year 13: Safety
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2010, 02:20:57 PM »
*applause*
sup

Offline Jerry

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Re: Year 13: Safety
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2010, 02:36:43 PM »
It's good. :)

The only small thing I'd like you to do is remove the caps where not necessary. ;)
No one can go back and change a bad beginning; but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it. If it cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

Currently playing Pokemon XY/ORAS/Shuffle and Clash of Clans and testing out PokemonRevolutionOnline and Dragonmon Hunter....
Also, forum notification emails are not getting in my inbox... again...

Offline LeoReborn

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Re: Year 13: Safety
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2010, 03:16:29 PM »
It's good. :)

The only small thing I'd like you to do is remove the caps where not necessary. ;)

Gotcha.

Check the note.
By loving so many, I have touched their lives and helped them rebirth as well. To be strong is to instill strength in another.

Offline Frenchfry

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Re: Year 13: Safety
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2010, 07:07:03 PM »
[Author mode]
I think the mood changes are being made to occur too quickly. I mean, I get the idea of mood swings and all, but, c'mon... there's a new feel to the story every line of dialogue. You need to stick with one emotion for a little longer than that. Walking away from that story, I have absolutely no idea what the relationship between them is now. It also makes the mental breakdown of kara seem much less important, when she's totally fine the next line, and then having another one two lines later.
Other than that, good job.
[/Author mode]

Offline LeoReborn

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Re: Year 13: Safety
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2010, 09:25:01 PM »
[Author mode]
1: I think the mood changes are being made to occur too quickly.
2: I mean, I get the idea of mood swings and all, but, c'mon... there's a new feel to the story every line of dialogue. You need to stick with one emotion for a little longer than that.
3: Walking away from that story, I have absolutely no idea what the relationship between them is now. It also makes the mental breakdown of kara seem much less important, when she's totally fine the next line, and then having another one two lines later.
Other than that, good job.
[/Author mode]

1: Im trying to highlight how Insensitive boys Can Be at that age
2: Im trying to Imply that Kara isnt crazy, She's Just Oversensitive, and is only trying to protect him.
3: Thats the point, I know where its going.

When she Shuts him out, Its supposed to make you think.
By loving so many, I have touched their lives and helped them rebirth as well. To be strong is to instill strength in another.

Offline Frenchfry

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Re: Year 13: Safety
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2010, 11:34:50 PM »
I dunno... It just feels kind of... rushed. I mean, they need to have at least a few lines of dialogue with a solid and clear emotion.

Offline LeoReborn

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Re: Year 13: Safety
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2010, 02:28:22 AM »
It was kinda in my head, but I added a lot here and there.
By loving so many, I have touched their lives and helped them rebirth as well. To be strong is to instill strength in another.